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Honest Mondays: Surround Sound

By House*Tweaking on Aug 20, 2012

It seems you all enjoy it when I open up and am honest about my thoughts on home decor, family and life in general. At least, that’s what I took away from this blunt post detailing my experience living without a bathroom door for three months. So, I’m declaring Mondays here on H*T ‘Honest Mondays.’ I’ll share my unedited feelings on something related to house and home, interior design, family, life, kids, motherhood, wifehood…or maybe something completely unrelated to any of those topics. Ha! Just whatever strikes me at the moment. I may divulge one truth or ten. I’m going to be spontaneous. I think it will be a great way to start the blog week. My hope is that for the rest of the week you’ll feel more familiar with the girl behind the posts. I am a real person! I encourage you to share your thoughts in the comments section as well.

So, let’s cut to the chase. Today is Monday after all.

Truth: I could care less about surround sound systems. See that unsightly speaker in the wall behind the couch? I don’t like it. I may even hate it. And it gets worse.

There are two of them. They stare at me like two empty robot eyes. I had a welcoming entry all planned out in my mind for that wall. A console table. A nice mirror above it. Maybe a lamp. A vase. Fresh flowers. You know, something that says ‘Hi, welcome to my lovely home.’ {Of course, I’m talking after the front door is functional. Of course.}

But no. That wall most definitely doesn’t invite you into the house. It doesn’t make you want to see more. If anything it says ‘Hey. C’mon in. Grab yerself a beer, sit on the couch with yer hand down yer pants and watch the game.’ That’s what that wall with two large speakers says to me. Do you not hear it?

When HH first told me about the speakers, I didn’t ask a lot of questions. Obviously. All I got was something about speakers in the wall that would be painted to match the wall. I didn’t realize they would be nearly a foot tall and live right where my beloved – if only imagined – entry mirror was going to hang. Details. I didn’t pay attention to them.

After they were in, I was disappointed. To say the least. Even painted, they didn’t recede into the wall like I had pictured. They just looked like painted speakers. But I thought ‘HH has worked so hard on this house. He needs his man stuff. If a few speakers in the wall make him happy, then so be it. I’ll figure something out.’

But then a few weeks later, more speakers starting popping up.

Whaaaaaaat?! It’s like there was a surround sound mating convention in our family room. Seriously? I would go to bed delirious from dealing with a crying newborn all day then wake to find more and more of these little orb-like speakers popping up like ugly pimples. I finally confronted HH.

Me: ‘Those boob speakers are a joke, right? You can’t be serious. They’re ridiculous.’

HH: ‘No. What? You don’t like them. They’re soooo cool.’

And that, my folks, is where HH and I clearly do not see eye to eye.

I see three pairs of boobs or cajones looking at me when I sit on the couch. HH sees gloriousness. Electronics in boob form. Every man’s dream.

Tell me those don’t look like boobs.

And those?! HH says those can’t resemble boobs because boobs aren’t placed vertically. If anything, they look like two-thirds of a traffic light then. Still. Not pretty.

At this point, I’m furious. How could HH have not told me about all these speakers before he installed them? We had surround sound in our last home but not to this extent. He was going overboard. He kept saying it was all about the audio experience. He even said that this would be a good learning experience for me since at some point I’ll be helping others design/decorate their homes and that there will be a man who wants surround sound in the family room. I told him in that case I’d strongly discourage it.

And even if the speakers were completely invisible, I don’t get them. When I watch a show or movie in surround sound, I’m constantly looking behind me thinking there’s someone there. Or I hear Mabrey crying when she isn’t. Trickery. That’s what surround sound is to me.

If I lived alone I probably wouldn’t even have a TV – much less four pairs of surround sound speakers. But, if I lived alone then I would be…well…alone.

It took me a while to get over the robot eyes and boob speakers. It was rough. I couldn’t sit on the couch without glancing up at the damn speakers and cursing them for their similarity to woman parts, man parts and traffic lights. But I’ve finally accepted them. I would never have chosen this setup myself but it’s here now and I’ll just have to work around it.

HH felt a wee bit bad and compromised by recessing the boobs speakers under the TV. That way this pair of speakers won’t be visible once we install the tongue and groove plank around the TV and up the wall to the ceiling {after we finalize mechanical plans for artwork to raise and lower over the TV}. Still, we’ll have to use a grate just below the TV or something of the sort to allow sound to carry into the room from the speakers. Because, you know, it’s all about the audio experience.

I have a Plan B for the wall speakers behind the couch. I think I’ll have HH install wall shelves along the wall and I’ll place accessories just so to disguise the speakers. It’s no console table + mirror = perfection but I may just get a vase of fresh flowers in there somewhere.

As for the two pairs of boobs on either side of the mantel? Well, I’m stuck with those. I’ll continue to give them the evil eye. A la McKayla Maroney style. Maybe they won’t be so noticeable once we hang the large canvas art piece in front of the TV? Maybe. I’m not holding my breath.

And what happened to HH? He’s still here. I’m not mad at him. We see things differently sometimes – although not often. Four pairs of speakers got nothin’ on us. Not that I’m counting. Okay. Maybe I am.

images: Dana Miller for House*Tweaking

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